In order to avoid feeling hurt, I denied what was happening in my life and pretended that things weren’t so bad. I tried my best to be the perfect daughter, because I thought that would make everything okay. It didn’t. I was afraid of my family, angry with my parents, and resented my non-drinking parent who wasn’t home.

So no one would know of my pain, I tried to hide it by crying alone. No one knew I hated the arguments and despised the bottle. I felt lonely hiding the truth—which I kept from everyone including my brother, my sisters, and my friends. I wore shame and accepted guilt that wasn’t mine. I believed I was responsible for the hell I was experiencing. Life went on and I survived.

Today I know a different life because I came through the doors of Al-Anon and attended Al-Anon adult children meetings. Now I can see the harm that came from my past. I grew up too fast. My childhood wasn’t fun or spontaneous. I didn’t have a role model to show me the difference between right and wrong. I guessed at what was normal. I tried to be perfect so no one would notice me. I developed an iron will and showed a lot of confidence. Nothing scared me. I tried anything.

I wore a mask of denial so no one would know what was really happening. One day the mask ripped right up the middle and exposed my denial like a raw nerve. That was the day I declared my life unmanageable. That day I felt the trauma of growing up in an alcoholic home.

My parents never intended to hurt me, but I can no longer deny that they did. That is where my Al-Anon recovery began. Now I am helping myself fill the gaps from the past so I can continue growing up. The God of my understanding guides me—along with the help of the slogans, the Steps, and the knowledge that alcoholism is a disease.

Al-Anon adult children meetings have helped me understand why my childhood was bad. I accepted burdens that weren’t mine, and now I can give them to their rightful owners and move on. I’m growing with the Al-Anon program and starting to live again!

By Maureen C., New Brunswick
The Forum, October 2004

© Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 2004. All Rights Reserved.