I’ve learned a lot about forgiveness recently, including how it affects my outlook on almost everything. Until I forgive others for what I think they’ve done to me and forgive myself for my behavior, actions, and thoughts, it seems like I can’t move forward with my life. But how do I forgive?

It seems I always want to heal everything with a snap of the fingers or a blink of the eyes—but it doesn’t happen that way. Healing is a process, not an event. For me, forgiveness develops over time. It doesn’t happen instantaneously.

I’ve been in Al-Anon for a number of years and recently I completed another Fourth Step. This one was rather brief. My purpose was to deal with a specific relationship that I hadn’t been able to let go.

When I sat down at my Sponsor’s house to share my Fifth Step, I felt amazed at how powerful the experience was for me. What I learned was startling. After all these years in recovery, I couldn’t believe I was still trying to manipulate other people. This was definitely a character defect that I was ready to have my Higher Power remove. Until then, I couldn’t see how much this defect affected my serenity.

When my Sponsor and I worked together on Steps Six and Seven, the forgiveness I so desperately wanted seemed to be in my heart. As a result of working the Steps, I could feel it. Since then, I have felt lighter. I’ve been able to pray for the other people involved, knowing that is all I can do. I know my Higher Power will take care of them, and it is not up to me to make their lives better. It is not my job to make them see the error of their ways, or to try to change them in any way.

I am still learning to “Let Go and Let God,” which seems to be my lesson for this year. I am learning to trust the process, rather than having to know what the end result will be. That is true growth for me, and I feel grateful for what I’ve learned so far.

By Kathy D., Texas
The Forum, November 2004

© Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 2004. All Rights Reserved.