My life was incredibly unmanageable when I walked through the doors of Al-Anon. I was angry, bitter, and hateful. My problems consumed me. Infuriated that my life had not gone the way I intended, I resented anyone who was successful. I grew up and lived in a disease I was unaware of—alcoholism.

Alcoholism robbed me of my hopes and dreams. The disease took away my dignity and self-respect. My friendships and my feelings were gone. Alcoholism stole my natural instincts to know and do God's will, to love others, and to be of service to people. I questioned whether anything could restore me to sanity.

As I kept coming back to Al-Anon, my insides began to thaw. People in the program embraced me and loved me regardless of my self-hatred and bitterness. As I have often heard in these rooms, people loved me until I could love myself. That was a monumental task.

The program has worked for me spiritually in a way that I cannot explain. As the members nurtured me, cheered for me, and included me, I began to heal. At the same time, God knew I needed to work through the Twelve Steps.

Before I came to Al-Anon, I acted in ways that were unacceptable to me. I kept secrets that I never wanted to reveal. I had stored a life of shame so deep inside me that I didn't think I could possibly heal.

When I started working the Steps, I began disposing of my secrets and shame. Slowly, I revealed more about myself. As I let go of my secrets, I began to feel human again.

Step Nine proved to be one of the most healing Steps for me. Making amends for my wrongs and living life a different way gave me a great deal of relief. The freedom I received from telling people I had harmed them, treating others as I would like them to treat me, and making things right in my life has been powerful.

There is still recovery work to do and more healing to experience. I believe Al-Anon works and that I will continue to heal as I "Keep Coming Back." I will discover more about myself, continue to make amends, uncover additional feelings, and nurture my life. This program has given me a quality of life that I treasure—through the Steps, the Al-Anon fellowship, and my hope in a Power greater than myself.

By M.F., Kentucky
The Forum, January 2005

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