When I married and escaped the violence and insanity of my childhood, I thought I was free. Of course I never lost my intense need to control everything and please everyone. I was suicidal, resentful, and suffered from depression. Even though I was beautiful, educated, successful, and well-liked, privately I was as fearful as I had been as a child.

My husband walked away from me after 22 years of marriage. My world came apart, the walls shattered, and I felt utterly exposed. It was the support of a good therapist that helped me endure the following months. Little by little he guided me toward Al-Anon. My denial and defenses were so strong that it took well over a year before I accepted his wisdom. That's when I finally heard him say for the first time, "It's the pain from your alcoholic childhood home that's hurting you now." How could that be? I hadn't lived at home for 22 years. Since I was in therapy trying to survive the loss of my marriage, how could my childhood be the cause of all my pain?

The therapist went on to tell me about a program that has helped many children of alcoholics. I trusted him so much that I found an open meeting and went with some of my friends. Sitting in the large room, I politely listened as one young woman's sharing struck me—she told my life story. She had experienced fear, violence, terror, and insanity in her childhood, too. However, the difference between us was that she seemed happy and serene, and I wasn't.

A week later, I was having a difficult time. I knew I couldn't make it through another night on my own, so I took the list of meetings, grabbed my purse, went out the door, got into the car, and panicked. I got out of the car, got back in the car, and turned the key. When I arrived at the meeting place, my desire to live enabled me to walk through those doors. I sat quietly until the end of the meeting when the Chairperson announced that the group saved the last five minutes for newcomers. Some friendly faces turned toward me and I started to speak. Tears of relief poured out and when I finished sharing, I heard, "You are in a safe place. This is the program for you. Keep coming back."

That was over 15 years ago. The peace and understanding of this wonderful program saved my life. I've relied on Al-Anon wisdom to help me through life's challenges and I have appreciated the rewards. Al-Anon has supported me during my darkest and saddest times. It has also provided me with great fun and simple pleasure in fellowship with others.

I often say with a chuckle, "Where would I be without Al-Anon?" I don't even want to imagine. I am so grateful to have it in my life.

By MaryAnn H., Northwest Territories
The Forum, March 2005

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