It has taken me a long time to break old habits and change my reactions. After three years in Al-Anon I’m finally applying what I have learned more consistently. For example, I had difficulty refusing my husband's invitation to a verbal fight. Sometimes I succeeded in refusing the first invitation and maybe the second, but with continual prodding, I eventually joined in.

During and after the fights, I would hate myself for saying unkind things and the mean way I said them. I did more damage to myself than I did to the alcoholic I was trying to hurt.

With practice, I started walking away from a possible fight by leaving the apartment or by picking up the phone to call an Al-Anon friend. I began by leaving with angry words or bitter silence. Then when I could detach, I discovered that my husband's words didn't sting me as he had intended.

Now when my husband tries to fight with me, I kindly tell him that I won't continue the conversation. Then I leave the house to call my Sponsor or go to a meeting, if one is available. Just the other night I did that and when I returned my husband was home. He had written an apology on the message board that we have on the refrigerator. In his note he said he was sorry for his outburst. We hugged and went to bed with peace and love rather than hate and anger.

By Christie E., New Hampshire
The Forum, February 2005

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