For most of my life the possibility of making bad decisions kept me from making any. I was fearful someone might single me out as being unworthy, so I became used to feeling small and insignificant. My goal was to be as invisible as possible, which allowed me to live in my head.

Life was perfect in my mind. I said the right words, made good decisions, and didn't worry about criticism. I felt safe. Well, at least I was safe from other people's harsh words, but I couldn't hide from my self-doubt and self-hatred.

My Sponsor suggested that I write about my fear, rage, and feelings of guilt. That daily exercise helped me get past my feelings of low self-worth. Then I could start each day with a clean slate.

Putting pen to paper meant I would no longer be perfect in my head, but it was a way to break through the fear that occupied my thoughts. It became easier to write about myself and even became somewhat of a game I played with myself. I'd say, "Bring it on," and the self-hatred flowed out of me onto the page. Some days I spent writing about good feelings—so by the time I finally worked on my Fourth Step, it wasn't too scary. Pen and paper were my allies.

It feels strange to live in a world where I make decisions rather than living in my head. What if I make the wrong decision? What if someone else doesn't like it? However, I know my Higher Power has always given me the strength to get through. All I have to do is ask.

By Merri B., California
The Forum, April 2005

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